Looking for Balance in Your Life? 7 Tips to Make Life More Tolerable in Seasons of Imbalance2/27/2020 By Erika Fehrenbach Prell  Ready to know the secret to finding balance in life? Balancing all the things...career, kids, relationships, commitments, exercise, errands...the list goes on. Are you ready? Here it is...Balance. Doesn’t. Exist. (#truthbomb) If you are living your best life, or living life at all for that matter, you will always have seasons of being out of balance! Think about it! -Training for a race? Out of balance. -Learning a new skill? Out of balance. -Coaching a kid’s sport? Out of balance. -Starting a new position? Out of balance. Now, there’s something interesting about this. When you commit to the process of taking on a new challenge, you become a novice, which requires increased time and effort towards learning that new thing. But, chances are, even though you were out of balance, you probably didn’t feel out of balance or weren’t bothered by being out of balance. And, why was that? Because you knew you would be out of balance for a season; it was expected, anticipated, and, quite possibly, prepared for when the decision was made to go ahead with the challenge or commitment.  But, then, why do you feel out of balance at other times? This boils down to two scenarios. Either the season lasted longer than expected, or, it wasn’t a season you signed up for or expected. Here’s what I mean. I start to feel out of balance when our family life is focused solely on kid activities, and, I haven’t had a date night with my husband, been out with friends, or did anything for myself. Or, I have felt out of balance when an unexpected life turn took us by surprise requiring the precious resources of time and energy when we weren’t expecting it. See the difference? Living your life means pushing out of your current comfort zone; this makes you a novice! And, that new challenge or new skill needs extra attention, extra effort, and extra time so you are out of balance. But, you don’t care because you planned for it, expected it, or CHOSE to be out of balance. But, when you really feel out of balance, this is indicative that too much time and effort is going into something not giving a good return or the season has gotten too long. We know you are here to live your best life; your most fulfilled, purpose-driven, inspired best life. This requires a mindset reset on balance. Repeat after me…”Balance doesn’t exist if I want to live my best life. I will have seasons of imbalance as I grow and push out of my comfort zone”.  Now, here’s your SoulShine SOULution - 7 Tips to Make Life More Tolerable in Seasons of Imbalance:
1. Assess the Imbalance You need a clear understanding of where your time and effort are being used up in order to make changes to correct the imbalance. Is one area taking more resources? Are you taking on too many roles and spreading yourself too thin? Did life take an unexpected life turn? 2. Is the End in Sight? Everything that comes up in life has an end to the season, though, some might be longer seasons than others. Knowing a time frame for this season will help determine if short term or long term strategies and solutions need to be set into play. 3. Priorities and the 5 Roles Life Hack Remember this helpful assessment? (If not, check it out here https://www.findyoursoulshine.com/blog/how-to-use-the-5-roles-life-hack-to-align-your-time-and-priorities) A feeling of imbalance often means we are not aligning our time with our goals and priorities. Pick the 5 most important, top priority roles for this season. This might mean other roles need to take a backseat while this season is underway. Align your time and efforts in these roles. Sometimes, the simplest fix to a feeling of imbalance is recognizing the areas of life that are being accidentally neglected. Schedule these inro your calendar; this creates protected time and increases the likelihood you will actually get to do them. 4. Say No and Let it Go Ask yourself if this obligation is bringing you joy or is in alignment with your priorities. If not, say “No”, and let it go. When you lead with your priorities in mind, it is easier to bless and release these extra time suckers. 5. Delegation of Tasks You can’t do everything for everyone, or at least not do it well. And, let’s be real; moms take on way more than their share. What tasks can your partner or children take on to alleviate what is on your plate? Delegate these to the appropriate person. But, once it has been delegated, let them do it! The towels may not be folded exactly like you do it but that’s okay. Do not re-do the activity so that it’s to your standards; sometimes, good enough is good enough. Another strategy would be if there is anyone you can hire to take over tasks like a cleaning service or grocery delivery; these get hours back into your life. And, time is priceless, especially in a season of imbalance. 6. Ask for Help This can be tough; it is very hard to ask for help. But, it is very likely that your partner and children have no idea that you are feeling out of balance or overwhelmed. Communicate with your partner on what you are feeling and decide where help can be offered. Know who else can help? Neighbors and other parents! Kid on a sports team? Start a carpool with other parents on the team; that way, you all do the pick up and drop off a few times instead of every time! 7. Live, Learn and Plan Ahead Embrace seasons of imbalance as a life lesson to try and improve on strategies to make life easier. Meal planning, carpooling, grocery services, hiring someone to run errands for you, batching activities...these are just a few of the many ideas to help you make life run smoother. One last thought to remember during times of imbalance, DreamChasers! These are often periods of stress. Do not forget to take time for yourself during these seasons; even 5-10 minutes per day of quiet reflection, meditation, reading, walking...whatever makes you feel recharged and re-energized will do wonders to restore yourself during this time! Shine on!
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By Jackie White  The best gift you will ever receive is the gift of your life. We don’t always think of life as a gift. We tend to check the boxes on a long list of “to-do’s” each day. The list has things like our jobs, our home, our children, our spouses, parents and friends on it. These people, places and things are integral parts of our lives, and we are the caretakers of those things, but somewhere along the way, we fell off the list. How did that happen, and how do we fix it?  Women are innately caregivers with one real exception and that is caring for themselves. It may seem ironic, but not unusual. We have seen our mothers and grandmothers setting the example of caring for everyone else. It’s an accepted role many women subscribe to. Caring for others can be viewed as a privilege. Caring for others can also give a needed boost of feeling needed and wanted. The other side of caring for others is that it can be exhausting. It can consume the caretaker to the point of feeling overloaded and lost. Do you ever ask yourself these questions? Oh, by the way, it’s ok to ask these questions: Where did I go? Who am I? Am I just a Chief Cook and Bottle Washer? Is racing to the finish line everyday what it’s all about? What is my life about? Many women are asking the exact same questions. It’s not selfish to ask these questions. Let’s drop the mom guilt and figure out how you can find yourself again and still take care of your babes and peeps.  How to Be Kind to YourselfIt’s Ok: You are kind to others and now it’s time to be kind to yourself, so that you can enjoy your life. The Importance: You need time to recharge your own batteries so you can be a better wife, mom, daughter and/or friend. Make the Time: You must make time for yourself. You might have to get up 30 minutes early or stop scrolling social media to make the time, but somewhere you have to make time for yourself a priority. This one is non-negotiable. Love Yourself: You are moving forward. That doesn’t mean you love anyone less than you always have. It just means you love yourself, too. But, What If? Nope. No excuses. We all have fears and anxieties and yours might want to kick in here to block you from being kind to yourself. In order to keep them from holding you back, you have to acknowledge that they exist, name them and then tell them to get on the bus because you are moving on. You can do this! Self Kindness 101Meditate: Take time to quiet your mind. Stop the chaos for awhile and go to Paradise Island in your own mind. If your mind keeps running through the lists of what you need to do, just re-focus on your breath. Guided meditations are available on You Tube and can be very helpful to keep you focused.
Why Meditate: You will calm yourself and you will be able gain clarity on how you can reclaim yourself. Reduce stress and reset your mind by intentionally slowing things down. Exercise: You do not have to be a fitness-crazed person to exercise daily. Here’s a little trick on how to make exercise something to look forward to. If you are missing your favorite television show, watch it while you walk in place in front of the TV . Yep, Karadashians and getting your exercise in! Why Exercise: We all know that exercise is good for your overall health from your heart to your brain! Need a mood adjuster and what mom doesn’t sometimes? Try exercise! As much as we want to resist it, it can be your best friend. 150 minutes of exercise per week is suggested by the American Heart Association. That’s about 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week - you can do that! Phone a Friend: Phoning a friend can be a real lifeline! Friendships breathe sanity into the chaos, and they can bring you back to you. Yes, you may be talking about your kids, but your friend is valuing the time spent with you. Take it in and enjoy it. Why Friends: The number one indicator for long term happiness is relationships. Friends can be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to hear you and a laugh to lighten your mood. They are important. Make time for them. Spahhhhh Day: This might seem extravagant, but if you can go get a massage or get your nails done, do it! If the cost or getting away is too much, get in the tub at home and bubble bath your stresses away. You can also just grab a cup of tea and a book and transport yourself into another world. The point is to do something special to pamper yourself. Why Spa: This type of care feels special. Everyone deserves special, just include something that makes you feel special. Dream and Plan: Connect with your dreams. It’s very common for moms to substitute out their dreams for their kid’s dreams. That is really ok, but don’t forget about things - even small things - you could work on for yourself right now. Look forward 5, 10, 20 years out and think about where you’d like to be. There are seasons for everything, so if you feel that your big dream can’t happen right now, then think about what you could do now in preparation for that dream? Remember a dream can only become a goal with a timeline and a plan, so don’t forget that. If you need help getting your goals together grab our Goal Getter Success Guide right here: https://lp.constantcontact.com/su/DO2xnDo/becomeadreamchaser Why Dream: Dreams are the magic of life. You will really begin to feel connected with yourself when you do something to work towards those dreams. Also, if your kids are nearing the end of their school years, you should really get a plan in place once the nest is empty. But What About Napping: Many of you probably are sleep deprived and need to catch up on some ZZZZ’s. Definitely find the time to do this, but don’t sleep at the exclusion of other self-kindness activities. This might be a tricky proposition, but nap when the kids are napping. If they don’t really nap much anymore, if they are old enough, have them spend some quiet time in their rooms while you catch a little sleep. Better yet, have your spouse or family member watch the kids so you can sleep. Why Nap: Sleep deprivation can really mess with your ability to function properly. Your body and your brain need to rest and restore. It is very important, so don’t minimize. Aim for 7-9 hours a night. The bottom line here, is that you must prioritize yourself. Get on the list, Girl! You cannot let your life and self go completely on hold for 18 years while you are raising a child. It is possible to find time for yourself and depending on the season of your parenting, the time available will ebb and flow. Be gentle with yourself and implement more self-kindness to get back to really living and loving life again. Shine On! By Jackie White   This month’s Life Story comes to us from a world away. Alicja Ciesielska is a native of Poland, but Alicja, her husband and 3 children are currently residing in Wisconsin. Alicja is from a big city in Poland where she attended university and obtained a master’s degree in psychology specializing in the business aspect of psychology. She also holds certification in finance and accounting. Her dreams were always to live the big city life being an independent career woman. Her dreams took a bit of a detour when she met the man who would be her husband. Like many women her desire to have a family became very strong and she found herself torn between choosing to have a baby and walking away from the fast paced career life. She tried to figure out how she might “have it all”, however, she soon realized that “having it all” really is a myth. Alicja explains “having it all” really is a state of mind, not referring to literally “having it all”. It wasn’t long before she realized her true priority was to choose motherhood and family life over a career.  Alicja’s first baby was born in January 2009. She made the choice to stay home with her son for 2 years. She soon realized that although this little one was all that she ever wanted, that being a stay-at-home mom wasn’t for her. She began to feel that she needed something more. She enrolled in school to obtain a certification in finance and accounting in the fall of 2009. Alicja was very strategic in choosing to return back to school. She knew that in the city she lived she could most likely get a job in the finance field. She had accepted that at this time in her life she would not be able to pursue her dream job. The job of her dreams would have required a move to another city or country and would have been long hours, which aren’t conducive to raising a family. As it turned out, her decision to pursue finance paid off, and she found a job that she liked right about the time her son turned 2 and was enrolled in preschool. About two years later, Alicja’s husband was invited to Wisconsin to work on a post doctorate in biochemistry for the University of Wisconsin - Madison. The invitation was exciting and offered Alicja a new challenge in life. They packed up the family, and a new life began in the United States.  Alicja did not waste time when she arrived in the US. She got her family acclimated, including helping her son, now four years old, learn English. Once she was able, she applied for a job to be a Recreational Leader at the University Apartments Community Center. She was pregnant with baby number two, and the job turned out to be a perfect fit for her at that time because she organized local trips to help other new families to the area learn about the city. The job allowed her to take her son along, if needed, as well. Just as Alicja was getting comfortable in her new place in life, she found out she was pregnant with her third child. When baby number three arrived in October 2016, Alicja was still working part-time in a different role within the community center. Her new job allowed her the flexibility to care for her children and help other residents in the community. She found a good balance that suited her need to be out of the home, yet still prioritize care of her children. Alicja’s balance in life didn’t last for long. In 2017, her current visa that allowed her to work in the US expired. She had no choice but to be a stay at home mother. Feelings of unfulfillment, ungratefulness, guilt and sadness weighed heavily on her mind. She was grateful for her children, her husband and even the ability to be able to stay home with her children, but at the same time, she felt lost.  Alicja credits her husband for being a super support system for her during this tough time. He did not want her to feel unhappy, and he did his best to help her pull out of this low point in her life. Alicja felt overwhelmed and exhausted. She would wake up unhappy repeatedly day after day and, after a couple of months, she decided enough was enough. She realized she was the example for her daughter, who would soon be old enough to see that mommy wasn’t acting right. She had to do something, but she wasn’t sure what that was. Alicja found she was numbing her pain by mindlessly scrolling through social media. Fortunately though, she began helping herself quite by accident. She came across personal development blogs and began to read. The information was positive, hard hitting yet succinct enough to get the point across quickly. That was important for a busy mom. She began to consume more and more of the positive content and began to feel better. She realized her situation of being an overwhelmed mom was, unfortunately, not unique. In a way she was glad to know she was not alone in feeling the way she did. That helped her tremendously. Over time she began to wonder if what she had learned could be a lesson for other moms feeling the same way.  Alicja began her own blog, which speaks to exhausted and lost mamas. Her goal was to literally get these mamas off the bathroom floor and get them to begin living again. Alicja’s approach is compassionate, yet straightforward. She believes that these mamas need to open their eyes to the information that is available to help them pull themselves up. She is strong for these mamas and helps them realize they can do it! She encourages and shares ideas and support. Alicja’s website and blog is called JustRedefined. The meaning of JustRedefined is that moms might just need to redefine how they fit into the mothering role. It’s not the same for every mom, and it’s not meant to be. She has been working with mamas for more than two years now and has some key learnings to share with the mama’s out there: You are not alone if you are feeling overwhelmed Don’t go through it alone - ask for help! Self care is not selfish. You must take care of you too. Get to know yourself again. Identify priorities, values and roles in life. When you know your priorities, values and roles you can begin to be intentional about your decisions. Those decisions can help you make your life yours again.  As Alicja has discovered, mamas can use help with their mindsets. To address this need, Alicja has just launched her new venture called MommyMindsetCoach where she is providing coaching to mothers in need of finding themselves again.
Alicja feels she has found her passion in life. She has lived the ups and downs of mothering and can see very clearly now that there are lots of moms who may need some help regaining control of their lives again. Helping these women has become her purpose in life. Her life has come full circle from the years of walking away from what she thought her dream was to walking right into a dream she didn’t even know she had. Alicja has a lot going on. Not only is she being mom to her three children and wife to her husband, she also has so many great things she is offering to mamas in need. You can find her on JustRedefined.com, MommyMindsetCoach.com, Facebook, Instagram and if that’s not enough, she is hosting a Moms for Moms Online Summit taking place from 3/23/2020 to 3/27/2020. Thank you to Alicja for all that she does to help the mamas in need! We love her passion and purpose because by helping moms, it helps her kids and her family too. Helping others always has a ripple effect and that means it really benefits us all in the end. How cool is that? Shine On! By Jackie White  Hurray! It’s National Random Acts of Kindness Day! We here at SoulShine are always looking for ways to inspire you to live your best life. One of the easiest ways to fill your life with meaning, purpose and inspiration is to spread kindness. Kindness is one of the most underrated powers a person can possess. Kindness doesn’t cost you anything except maybe a little bit of thought and/or effort. It is holding a door for someone or greeting a stranger with a smile. Kindness makes your heart grow. Kindness can increase the happiness in your life. Kindness is so simple and yet we are surprised when others go out of their way to help. Here’s the best news of the day: We really shouldn’t be surprised because humans are inherently good despite what the evening news tells us!  More Kindness = More Happiness  If data is what you need to support the claims that happiness can be found by giving to others, there are several studies that have examined this in depth. Studies by the Journal of Social Psychology and Journal of Happiness Studies both show that extending kindness and giving to others makes us happy. These studies have scientifically correlated kindness to happiness. The effects can be found when doing simple acts of kindness to strangers or extending kindness to those you know. Taking it one step further, you build relationships through kindness, and relationships are key to long term happiness. An 80 + year long study of happiness showed that our relationships have a powerful influence on our health. When you are kind to others, it connects you to others. Connection is key to finding happiness in life. Flash a smile at someone who isn’t expecting it and watch their face light up. It’s almost impossible to not pass on some kindness with just a smile  Connect with Kindness and Find the Fountain of Happiness: Because kindness connects you to others, it is like pushing the happiness button. You do for others and in doing so, you connect with them on some level. Human connections are a keystone to happiness in life. Ok, so maybe there isn’t a Fountain of Happiness, but if there was, it would flow from the spring of kindness. Kindness can touch others in ways that can not only brighten their day, but in some instances can literally change their lives. You may have passed on a gesture of kindness to someone who was seeing only the bad in the world. You may have given them hope to take another step forward. That’s pretty powerful stuff. What about you? Think about how kindness has touched you. There have been times in your life when someone has extended kindness to you. Certain kindnesses can be so memorable that they define goodness to you. Maybe it was a teacher in your childhood who took some extra time with you. Maybe you have that one friend who never forgets your birthday. Maybe it’s a complete stranger that impacted you. These things bring meaning to life. It’s all about connection. We need it more than most people realize. It is not overstating to say that kindness can change who you are. The Powerhouse of KindnessWhen we think of kindness, we think of people who are nice and gentle. It’s the thing that sweet little grandmas are made up of. When many think of kindness, we do not recognize the power it holds. It can be the changer of humanity. It can be the seed of love. It is what friendships are built upon. It is a nurturer and the glue that binds us all together.
On the occasion of National Random Acts of Kindness Day, I challenge you to spread kindness everywhere you go! Hey, and be an overachiever and do it not just today, but everyday and help make the world a better place! Shine On! By: Jackie White  The best gift you will ever receive is the gift of your life. We don’t always think of life as a gift. We tend to check the boxes on a long list of “to-do’s” each day. The list has things like our jobs, our home, our children, our spouses, parents and friends on it. These people, places and things are integral parts of our lives, and we are the caretakers of those things, but somewhere along the way, we fell off the list. How did that happen, and how do we fix it?  Women are innately caregivers with one real exception and that is caring for themselves. It may seem ironic, but not unusual. We have seen our mothers and grandmothers setting the example of caring for everyone else. It’s an accepted role many women subscribe to. Caring for others can be viewed as a privilege. Caring for others can also give a needed boost of feeling needed and wanted. The other side of caring for others is that it can be exhausting. It can consume the caretaker to the point of feeling overloaded and lost. Do you ever ask yourself these questions? Oh, by the way, it’s ok to ask these questions: Where did I go? Who am I? Am I just a Chief Cook and Bottle Washer? Is racing to the finish line everyday what it’s all about? What is my life about? Many women are asking the exact same questions. It’s not selfish to ask these questions. Let’s drop the mom guilt and figure out how you can find yourself again and still take care of your babes and peeps. What Do I Do Now? It’s time to reconnect and give yourself a little self-kindness. When you begin to give yourself kindness, you begin to open the door to finding yourself again.  How to Be Kind to Yourself It’s Ok: You are kind to others and now it’s time to be kind to yourself, so that you can enjoy your life. The Importance: You need time to recharge your own batteries so you can be a better wife, mom, daughter and/or friend. Make the Time: You must make time for yourself. You might have to get up 30 minutes early or stop scrolling social media to make the time, but somewhere you have to make time for yourself a priority. This one is non-negotiable. Love Yourself: You are moving forward. That doesn’t mean you love anyone less than you always have. It just means you love yourself, too. But, What If? Nope. No excuses. We all have fears and anxieties and yours might want to kick in here to block you from being kind to yourself. In order to keep them from holding you back, you have to acknowledge that they exist, name them and then tell them to get on the bus because you are moving on. You can do this!  Self Kindness 101 Meditate: Take time to quiet your mind. Stop the chaos for awhile and go to Paradise Island in your own mind. If your mind keeps running through the lists of what you need to do, just re-focus on your breath. Guided meditations are available on You Tube and can be very helpful to keep you focused.
Why Meditate: You will calm yourself and you will be able gain clarity on how you can reclaim yourself. Reduce stress and reset your mind by intentionally slowing things down. Exercise: You do not have to be a fitness-crazed person to exercise daily. Here’s a little trick on how to make exercise something to look forward to. If you are missing your favorite television show, watch it while you walk in place in front of the TV . Yep, Karadashians and getting your exercise in! Why Exercise: We all know that exercise is good for your overall health from your heart to your brain! Need a mood adjuster and what mom doesn’t sometimes? Try exercise! As much as we want to resist it, it can be your best friend. 150 minutes of exercise per week is suggested by the American Heart Association. That’s about 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week - you can do that! Phone a Friend: Phoning a friend can be a real lifeline! Friendships breathe sanity into the chaos, and they can bring you back to you. Yes, you may be talking about your kids, but your friend is valuing the time spent with you. Take it in and enjoy it. Why Friends: The number one indicator for long term happiness is relationships. Friends can be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to hear you and a laugh to lighten your mood. They are important. Make time for them. Spahhhhh Day: This might seem extravagant, but if you can go get a massage or get your nails done, do it! If the cost or getting away is too much, get in the tub at home and bubble bath your stresses away. You can also just grab a cup of tea and a book and transport yourself into another world. The point is to do something special to pamper yourself. Why Spa: This type of care feels special. Everyone deserves special, just include something that makes you feel special. Dream and Plan: Connect with your dreams. It’s very common for moms to substitute out their dreams for their kid’s dreams. That is really ok, but don’t forget about things - even small things - you could work on for yourself right now. Look forward 5, 10, 20 years out and think about where you’d like to be. There are seasons for everything, so if you feel that your big dream can’t happen right now, then think about what you could do now in preparation for that dream? Remember a dream can only become a goal with a timeline and a plan, so don’t forget that. If you need help getting your goals together grab our Goal Getter Success Guide right here: https://lp.constantcontact.com/su/DO2xnDo/becomeadreamchaser Why Dream: Dreams are the magic of life. You will really begin to feel connected with yourself when you do something to work towards those dreams. Also, if your kids are nearing the end of their school years, you should really get a plan in place once the nest is empty. But What About Napping: Many of you probably are sleep deprived and need to catch up on some ZZZZ’s. Definitely find the time to do this, but don’t sleep at the exclusion of other self-kindness activities. This might be a tricky proposition, but nap when the kids are napping. If they don’t really nap much anymore, if they are old enough, have them spend some quiet time in their rooms while you catch a little sleep. Better yet, have your spouse or family member watch the kids so you can sleep. Why Nap: Sleep deprivation can really mess with your ability to function properly. Your body and your brain need to rest and restore. It is very important, so don’t minimize. Aim for 7-9 hours a night. The bottom line here, is that you must prioritize yourself. Get on the list, Girl! You cannot let your life and self go completely on hold for 18 years while you are raising a child. It is possible to find time for yourself and depending on the season of your parenting, the time available will ebb and flow. Be gentle with yourself and implement more self-kindness to get back to really living and loving life again. Shine On By Erika Fehrenbach Prell  GIFs are my love language. Coffee is my love language. Yoga pants are my love language. You’ve seen these, right? Love languages are a popular meme theme, and we all get what these mean. Whatever is your proclaimed “love language” is something that brings you happiness and joy, and you want more of it. Awesome! A way to tell the world in a funny way what you want! Did you know this isn’t how love languages were intended to be used? Sorry, dropped a #truthbomb without warning you. Here comes the truth; we are all using love languages completely wrong! Love languages are not a way to ask for what YOU need but to actually connect on a deeper level to OTHER people. When applied in the correct way, the concept of love languages can start you on a pathway to a more connected and fulfilling relationship. And, who doesn’t want that, right?  This idea came from the book of author Gary Chapman called “The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Your Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”. There are several different versions to apply in other important relationships or situations in your life as well but they all circulate around the same concept. Basically, there are 5 ways that people experience love when it comes to relationships and interactions with people. While people might experience feelings of love to some extent in all of these areas, most people have 1 or, sometimes, 2 that are dominant. The important idea is not to identify your own love language but to realize what your partner’s love language is. You’ve heard that old phrase “opposites attract”, right? This comes into play here. Many relationships consist of people with different ways of expressing and experiencing love. To deepen your relationship, Chapman points out that speaking your partner’s love language will allow you to connect on a deeper level because THEY feel loved and appreciated.  In case you aren’t familiar with the 5 Love Languages, here they are:
1. Words of Affirmation Those that land here are all about language and affirmations. This goes deeper than just “I love you” and also includes positive words related to character and telling someone that you are thinking of them. For people with this love language, hurtful words and character assassination will cut very deeply. 2. Acts of Service People with this primary love language express love by doing things for others. This does not mean they are being submissive! Those that tend to have this love language may feel resentful if they perceive they are being taken for granted or their efforts are not noticed. 3. Receiving Gifts Do not confuse this with being materialistic! Those that speak the receiving gifts love language feel appreciated with thoughtful gifts and gestures, big or small. Those that fall here will feel hurt when they give a gift that doesn’t get an enthusiastic response or if special occasions are forgotten. 4. Quality Time Those that love through quality time value creating special moments together that are uninterrupted and focused. People with this love language want their partner to be mindful and present. 5. Physical Touch People that have this love language are all about showing affection through hand holding, hugs, kisses, and other ways of being physically close to their partner. They will feel disconnected if physical touch is lacking or received coldly. It might feel awkward or unnatural to express love in a language that differs from your own. This will require you to actually think about how to do this and make a conscious effort. This is where the magic is! Your partner will appreciate this and your relationship will go to another level. And, spoiler, this is hinged on giving to your partner what they need without expecting it back. To dive into this more, check out Chapman’s book. Go try out this idea of loving people how they want to be loved and see what happens. Shine on! By Jackie White  Next to working on ourselves to live our best life, nurturing our relationships is paramount. Our relationships, especially our love relationship, can impact our own lives deeply. We need to make sure we keep our marriages and romantic relationships healthy and strong. February is the month of love. We like to romanticize love, of course, because it’s a feeling of euphoria and cloud nine walking. Books and films are filled with these stories and images of the perfect love. We watch them and think that we want that kind of love for ourselves. Those fairy tales can make us feel that love like that will never be ours. Like the scene in “An Officer and a Gentleman”, when will Richard Gere runs into the horrible factory and scoops up Deborah Winger and carries her out into the sunset to live happily ever after. We even are pining for Billy Crystal, of all people, in “When Harry Met Sally” when he runs to Sally at midnight on New Year’s Eve and finally confesses his love to her by describing everything he loves about her including the crinkle in her nose. It’s so great to watch these perfect love stories, but sometimes they can mess with our heads.  Perfection is a Bar Too High Let’s start with nothing is perfect. No love, no one person, no relationship is ever perfect, but does that mean it’s not right? No, of course not. But for those of you seeking Mr. or Ms. Perfect and have a laundry list of attributes they should possess, you should probably throw that list and perfection agenda out the window because it just ain’t gonna happen. You are setting yourself up for disappointment. Bumps in the Road Those who are married or in a committed relationship for years know that the high of romance wears off and the daily grind of life kicks in. The love stories we see on the big screen make us yearn for a romantic scene or two in our own relationships. Instead, we might get to a point where our partner’s flaws get magnified and the baggage brought to the partnership gets heavier. It is to be expected, but it doesn’t have to degrade the reason why you are together in the first place.  Choosing Love. Keeping Love. Finding a partner that will suit you today and through the years should be based on sharing similar fundamental values in life. If you would like to identify your values in life, click here for a downloadable Core Values worksheet. https://lp.constantcontact.com/su/v84aAjV/corevalueslist A partner should also be compatible, honest and committed. These things are the building blocks of a relationship, but the way you keep love, can be wrapped up in two words: work and vulnerability. These two very important ingredients are the gas in the tank, if you will. Work It Love can suddenly hit you out of the blue when you least expect it. Love can toss you into the highs and lows every relationship experiences, but to get through and maintain a strong and steady love, it will require work. Love cannot infinitely function on autopilot. It requires care and effort. That’s the work part. Examples of Relationship Work Supporting your partner in their desires and goals in life is one of the ways you show that you love them. Your partner may have different hobbies or interests than you in some cases and that’s to be expected. For example, your husband really likes the Bears football team (I am so sorry - Lol!) and he won’t stop talking about them. You may feel that you have heard just about enough about the Bears, but don’t tune out! You don’t want him tuning out when you are describing the great ideas you have for a new flower bed. You can handle listening and taking (some) interest in what he is saying. This is an example of where some work might come in. Will you ever love the Bears like he does? Maybe not, but he will love you for caring enough to listen when he shares his passion for them. There may be times when your partner and you have found that your communication has broken down. Working on communicating clearly with each other is of utmost importance. Speaking with respect and asking for understanding is critical. Listen for understanding and avoid thinking about how you are going to respond while your partner is speaking. An example of putting some work into communication would be for you to do your best to listen to that same old story you have heard a million times and give your partner the space to express themselves without judgement.  Vulnerability...Run for the Hills! Some of you just got squeamish when the word vulnerability was mentioned. You may want to run away because things just got really uncomfortable, but you need to know that vulnerability is an essential ingredient for love to grow. Sharing the you that usually just lives inside your head is probably one of the most vulnerable things you can do. It is sharing who you really are. Your dreams, experiences, fears and uncertainties are the critical things you should be able to share with your partner. Your partner should be a safe place to fall. They should be your confidant as you are for them. We all have vulnerabilities and by sharing them with your partner you should not feel that you are exposing your weak underbelly, but instead that you are sharing intimate thoughts that can let your partner in to really know who you are. That is the root of love. Brene Brown, the Vulnerability Queen, reports people describe vulnerability as: Like taking off a mask and hoping that the real me isn’t too disappointing Being all in Scary and exciting; terrifying and hopeful There is always fear and risk in life when you want to get to the good stuff. You just have to be willing to walk through the fear so that the love and the relationship you have can flourish. Clint Black wrote a song called “It’s Something that We Do” and it so eloquently describes the recipe for building and keeping a strong relationship.  Love It
Enjoy your romantic books and movies for what they are, entertainment. You can still create romantic dates and rekindle your love through loving gestures, but just be sure to have a strong foundation to build upon. Be real with yourself and your partner and take a good look at what you can do to make your relationship stronger. The reward will be worth the effort. For your own Core Values Worksheet, click here. https://lp.constantcontact.com/su/v84aAjV/corevalueslist Shine On. By Jackie White  They say “Choose Joy” and I say what are they talking about? In my quest in trying to understand what joy is all about, I have examined poems, songs and books and have found that these two words feel overly complicated. It begs questions like: Is choosing joy it a religious thing? Is choosing joy for naive people who don’t have a clue what life is all about? Is choosing joy only for kids? Is it even possible to choose joy? What else in the world could possibly explain what “joy’ means? Listen, don’t even Google it! It becomes more confounding. So, if we can’t wrap our heads around what it means, how can we possibly choose joy? Seriously, it’s two little words that we should be able to grasp. Right?  So, Let’s Define Joy in Easy to Understand Terms: Here’s a good two-part definition of joy: CHOOSING JOY PART ONE: GIDDINESS: The first way to define joy is something you feel that is a stronger feeling than happiness. It’s almost giddiness. When you were a kid, you could easily access joy because kids are not inhibited. Kids laugh out loud when something ”tickles their funny bone”. They don’t care what people think, in fact, it is likely that doesn’t even enter their minds. Kids are great examples of being joyful in the moment! Guess what? We are still allowed to be joyful in life! We might have to dare ourselves to let go of the fear of what others might think and just be joyful in the moment. Here’s the deal if you didn’t know: it’s none of your business what others think about you. It is also very likely that they aren’t even thinking about you, so just do your thing! This is where you can choose to be joyful! A-ha! It is obtainable! It’s just your choice. Dang!  CHOOSING JOY PART TWO - CONTENTMENT: The second way to define joy is that it is a result of living a content and happy life. When you are happy, you are seeing the world through a positive lens. That positive lens makes it easier to focus on other happy and joyful things in life. An example of finding joy in everyday things is noticing a small flower growing in the crack of the sidewalk, noticing how beautiful the sky is, noticing that your friend is really a great friend or it could be noticing that people are kind. This kind of joy fills you up with happiness and contentment. And in case you didn’t notice, this kind of joy is about noticing and taking joy in what is right in front of your eyes. It’s about seeing the beauty in your world. Just take the time to really notice what joyful things are going on around you and then choose joy. Amazing! There it is again! So, choosing joy really is a thing. It is just up to you to make the choice! Let’s review the options for choosing joy or not: If You Choose Joy: If you choose joy, you can be filled with happiness, laughter and even giddiness at times. You can really see the good in the world and more specifically your world. You can feel lighter, hopeful and more positive everyday if you choose joy. If you do NOT Choose Joy: You can focus on the negative and feel that life is just work. You can judge others who are joyful as someone who isn’t really in touch with the reality of each day’s bleakness. You can stay on the wrong side of fear and not step into the joy that could be yours.  Is there really any reason that you should avoid choosing joy? Nope. This is your invitation to changing your mindset and focusing on the good in life. When you choose joy you will choose to change your life in the most positive way. So, now when you hear “choose joy”, you know what to do. Just step into it and breathe in the joy that life can be.
Shine On! By Erika Fehrenbach Prell  Vibrant red dresses. Hearts everywhere. Passionate speeches. You know where I am going, right? It’s Heart Awareness Month!! (Did you see that coming?) I look forward to Heart Awareness Month every year, seriously, I am not even kidding. I am passionate about heart health awareness and heart disease prevention. The course of my life and life’s passion was directly influenced by heart disease. The summer before my sophomore year in college, my dad’s best friend, Bob, died suddenly and unexpectedly from a massive heart attack at the age of 47. His death is the only reason my father recognized his own heart symptoms two months later, ultimately undergoing emergency heart bypass surgery. These two life events set me on my path to becoming a nurse practitioner specializing in cardiac surgery and, ultimately, to the present where I hope to inspire people to live their best and healthiest lives. So, DreamChasers, here it is. I present to you the 2020 State of the Heart Address! My fellow DreamChasers! It is time for YOU to take back YOUR heart health. For more than a decade, heart disease has been the #1 killer of men and women worldwide. And, WOMEN, listen up! Heart disease kills 1 in 3 women; it's such an issue that this month is also Go Red for Women month to heighten awareness. Heart disease kills more than all cancers combined. And, unlike many cancers, most heart diseases are preventable. YOU have control to set your path to heart health or heart disease. So, ask yourself, which path are you on? One of denial or awareness? Denial means being in the dark, thinking something as serious as heart disease happens only to other people. My dad’s friend, Bob, was in denial. His denial was not his fault; he didn't know. He was only 47, and the severity of his heart disease was worse than should have been for someone his age. But, if he would have explored his risk factors, his outcome may have been different. Denial means not knowing what to look for in heart symptoms, until it’s too late. That was Bob. He didn’t have the “classic” symptoms of chest pressure, or at least all that he relayed to his wife was that he was having a lot of indigestion. (This is actually a common way chest pain presents. Check out www.americanheart.org for more information!). Unfortunately, Bob’s denial never changed to awareness as he had a fatal heart attack instead.  Awareness often comes from the experience of others. And, this is how my dad, Tom, became aware that he might have heart disease. Two months after Bob died, my dad noticed he was having chest pain with mowing the lawn. It stopped as soon as he stopped exerting himself. Leaning from Bob, he contacted his doctor with his concern for his symptoms. Again, no one really expected him to have any significant findings because he was way too young. Yes, he had a strong family history of heart disease but not at this age. And, in truth, he had never had his cholesterol checked. It was everyone’s surprise when he was found to have life threatening coronary disease. He was taken by ambulance directly from his cardiac catheterization to the nearest hospital for surgical intervention the following day. This was just the start of awareness journey for my dad and myself. Awareness brought the understanding that heart disease is more than a heart attack. Awareness is knowing heart disease affects all parts of the circulatory system - the heart, arteries, veins, and brain - with diseases ranging from heart attack and stroke to high cholesterol and high blood pressure. Having awareness means knowing your risks by having a complete physical with labs before disease has taken hold.  Awareness is understanding that YOU have control over developing heart disease. Awareness is focusing on the risk factors YOU can control through the 4 lifestyle modifications including:
Awareness is giving yourself grace as you develop good habits in these areas. Failure happens but you keep trying. You know that small steps in the right direction will take you away from developing heart disease whereas small steps in the wrong direction take you towards it. Awareness is keeping at this journey because it is worth it. Awareness is understanding that what you do now will not only affect you future self but also affect all that you love. Because that is what it comes down to, DreamChasers. Bob did not get a second chance, and my dad did. My dad only lived because he received awareness from Bob. Because of this, my dad got to live his life, a life that was cut too short for his best friend. My dad got to see high school sports, high school gradations, college graduations. He got to walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding. He got to take his son to his first Navy post. He has become a grandfather to four grandsons and one granddaughter. He has traveled. He has celebrated almost 50 years of marriage. He has lived life. All because of awareness. This, DreamChasers, is where the State of the Heart is. We lack awareness that heart disease is a real problem because we worry about getting diseases we can’t control, like cancer. The State of YOUR Heart is truly in YOUR hands. It starts with awareness. It starts today. Shine on! |
AuthorsJackie White has been writing about life and its ups and downs for many years. With a degree in Industrial Psychology and a life-long student of personal development she is intrigued by how each individual chooses to live their life. Jackie feels strongly that truly living your best life is imperative to attaining peace and fulfillment. SoulShine was borne of her desire to inspire and teach others to live their best life. This is her mission and her dream. Archives
October 2022
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